Destigmatising Late Marriage for Women
By Fatimah Bashir & Benazir Albashir
First Published on Substack
A Spinster
On the topic of marriage and the struggles of being a spinster, Benazir and I could write a New York Times bestseller. Full disclosure though, why do spinsters have to be labelled bitter? It is such an unfair and wicked stereotype and may the person who invented such a lie get untreatable foot corns. Amen? Amen.
Also, why do unmarried women get stereotyped? We get it, the pressure and constant harping on the subject of marriage especially as the years go by and the suitors dry up, the situation can indeed make a woman irritable. However, can she be blamed though? Now an unmarried woman who is outspoken within our society is treated as a pariah.
Jokingly though, Benazir asked what it means to be a spinster and we decided to hunt down the word in a dictionary. By definition, the word spinster is just horsesh*t. The oxford dictionary says a spinster is “an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage”. This begs the question what is the usual age for marriage and who invented it? It is time we (the most intelligent species) unlearn and lose the shackles of ageism.
So have you heard this insipid tale of a girl-child born and almost instantly her very existence is geared towards aspiring to marriage and children? She is given dolls and dollhouses, kitchen sets, sewing machines, and toys that essentially make playing house, attainable. She grows up and her role within the family dynamic is attending to chores, cooking, taking care of her siblings and whatnot. Her role within her immediate family prepares her for her greater role — a wife.
Now, this all too familiar story may vary a little depending on the creed, culture or society a girl-child is socialised in. However, the stereotype of a girl being a nurturer has been tested against time and culture. Now, there is nothing wrong with a girl playing house as a child. There is nothing wrong with a woman doing chores and cooking — I mean you need to eat and your environment needs to be clean. Although there is an issue with making those life skills (emphasis is placed on life skills) her sole responsibility and measuring her worth as a woman when she fails to cook and clean — this shall be addressed in a different write-up.
Marriage & Islam
Marriage: A most wonderful institution. Honestly, we all aspire to marry or at the very least, we all crave companionship — knowing someone is down for us although Fatimah and I can agree to disagree on the need for marriage.
One of us feels society has made marriage a wajib (mandatory) more than Islam itself, guess who?
For women, especially in Northern Nigeria, marriage is the air we breathe in and the water we drink. You could be talking about the weather, a zombie apocalypse, politics, out-of-school children, insecurity and someone will find a way to either stealthily or openly insert the topic of marriage.
Northern Nigeria is a largely conservative society and although the numbers are unclear, the majority of Northerners are Muslims. In Islam, it’s stated that when Muslims marry, they complete half their faith. As stated by the prophet (SAW) in a hadith, “When a servant of Allah marries, he has by that completed half of his faith. Let him then fear and revere Allah regarding the remaining half.”
This shows the importance Islam has placed on marriage and explains why marriage is akin to breathing air in this part of the world. Other factors including culture heavily influence the topic of marriage in this part of the world.
Interestingly, if the worth of marriage in Islam is highly placed, then why has the topic turned sour for many women?
Allah (SWT) commands the believers to marry and so does the Prophet (SAW);
Marry the unmarried among you who are single and marry the righteous of your and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them with His Favours. Allah is bountiful and Knowing. (Surat An-Nur; 32).
Stigmatization and Women
We have come a long way from days when the birth of a girl-child is considered a bad omen. In the pre-Islamic era, female infanticide was a frequent occurrence. This barbaric act was not an isolated incident to the preislamic society. Unfortunately for our gender, women are still considered dispensable; female genital mutilation, gender-based violence against women and girls, but that is a whole different article. We still have a long way to go in revering and honouring women the way they truly deserve to be honoured.
In Islam, the female child can become a reason for her parents to enter Paradise, As the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood, he and I will come like this on the Day of Resurrection,” and he held his fingers together. (Narrated by Muslim, 2631) .
When she grows up and marries a man, she completes half of his religion Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ reported: “Whomever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah about the other half.”
Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Recorded by at-Tabarani in (al-awsat) and others. Verified to be Hasan by al-Albani (as-Saheeh no 625 and sahih-Jami no 430)
When a woman becomes a mother, paradise comes under her feet Ibn Majah (2781).
Narrated by Mu’awiyah ibn Jahimiah al-Sulami (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I came to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allah, I want to go for jihad (battle) with you, seeking thereby the Face of Allah and the Hereafter. He said, “Woe to you! Is your mother still alive?” I said, Yes. He said, “Go back and honour her.” Then I approached him from the other side and said: O Messenger of Allah, I want to go for jihad with you, seeking thereby the Face of Allah and the Hereafter. He said, “Woe to you! Is your mother still alive?” I said, Yes. He said, “Go back and honour her.” Then I approached him from in front and said, O Messenger of Allah, I want to go for jihad with you, seeking thereby the Face of Allah and the Hereafter. He said, “Woe to you! Is your mother still alive?” I said, Yes. He said, “Go back and honour her (lit. stay by her feet), for there is Paradise.” (Classed as sahih by al-Albani in Sahih Sunan Ibn Majah. It was also narrated by al-Nasai with the words: “Stay with her for Paradise is beneath her feet.”). Yet, with all this reverence, the reality is what happens to compassion and Tawakkul towards women when it comes to marriages then?
Excerpt from Twitter
“My family’s choice proposed to me today and I turned him down. He mentioned that I’m getting older and need to settle down soon otherwise no one will want me anymore as l’ll be a used item. LOL
PS. I just turned 26”
This sad account rings true in many societies around the world. In China, Aljazeera documented stories of young women hiring “boyfriends” to take home to their families.
This tells us that the stigma surrounding late marriage is a global issue rather than even a local one. I mean even China which is far away from Nigeria where Fatimah and I are based. It is all around us, all around you and I, wherever we are.
As a society, we need to recognize that stigmatizing women for not marrying early does more harm than good. We need to realize that marriage is from Allah; we know this and as true believers that have submitted to the will of Allah, there is a need to reexamine how we treat the unmarried. This appeal is not just for Muslims in Northern Nigeria but for other societies steeped in other creeds and cultures as well.
Glossary
Sahih hadith is the one that has the most authentic chain of narrators for use as supporting evidence.
Ḥasan is used to describe hadith whose authenticity is not as well-established as that of ṣaḥīḥ hadith, but sufficient for use as supporting evidence.
Ibn Majah: Sunnis regard this collection as sixth in terms of the authenticity of their Six major Hadith collections.
Al-Albani — A well-known Islamic scholar and a grader of Hadiths.
Authors’ Note: Benazir and Fatimah intend to become a collaborative force to be reckoned with, one write-up at a time. They write for all audiences interested in whatever topic they publish. Their main goal is to educate and shine more light on issues plaguing their immediate society. It is imperative to note that both writers are Muslim women and their write-ups will heavily lean on Islam. Enjoy :)
